I am freezing cold and hungry.Really I don't know which I am more of. I woke up this Easter morning to find we had run out of oil, yup, no heat. I also am out of money to pay day. So we bucked up did the Easter egg hunt, ate breakfast and got ready for church.
Here I will pause my story to say I am glad we went to church. We went into the city to go to church with the in laws. To my surprise the priest who baptized C is now the pastor there, and I absolutely love him. He gives the most meaningful sermons and is so genuine. It was the perfect welcome back to church for someone who has not been in some time. The boys were so well behaved, I felt totally at peace for that one hour. More than I have in a long time. When I was in that church I felt like maybe I could overcome the problems that have been plaguing me. I asked god to forgive me for the mistakes I had made with M, and for the grace to not make them again. I was actually happy, the boys were getting along, it was great.(So D was not felling well, that was concerning me but I think it is just a little cold.) afterwards was even good, we spent a wonderful day at hubby's parents, I was talking with my sister in law, the cousins were all playing, I was actually enjoying myself and let myself be in the moment, I felt good! Than we came home.... back to the story!
It was cold when we came home, really cold. Once again, spring in New England. 39 degrees on Easter Sunday! So I told hubby we had to do something about the oil. D is coming down with something and not quiet himself, I did not want him to get sicker. So we have put diesel in the tank before, and I had about sixteen dollars, so I asked hubby to go get some. He needed a gas can though(ours has always had regular gas) So he called his friend, M, to borrow the gas can. M's wife offered to lend us some money so we could get about ten gallons(myself and M's wife are friends, very Jerry Springer I know) so she talked me into it and the deal was made. M came over with the fuel and the gas can, the kids played and the guys got the furnace running. Some my say where is the problem, but seeing M seemed to send all my resolve and hard worked peace out the window. I know he still is mad at me, hubby says no, but I can see it. If he would just answer one email, or just say he does not hate me, maybe I could put this all to rest. I feel like s---, all the time the past week. I just need to him to acknowledge me, and maybe I can rest. Maybe the power lies with me, maybe I need to let it go, to be the bigger person and just try to be friends, to start it all over. I know it is confusing , the background is not there. But some day it will become clear.
So the heat is on, the boys are warm and fed and in bed. And now I need to get warm, and I am hungry. Maybe a bowl of cereal is in order. The simple things are what complicate me, one thought leads to another. I always feel like nothing is as it seems. ( I also have a story about my mother, but that will have to wait for another day.) But Easter and spring are a time of renewal. If I can keep the momentum going I felt at church, when for a moment my mind was not racing and things seemed clearer, maybe there will be a chance. I know god will forgive me, I need to forgive my self , that is harder said than done.