I hate to write about how frustrated I am, but that is just how I feel. Hubby has been off camping the last three weekends in a row. Than Monday he went to scouts again, which would be OK, but he missed C's baseball game. C actually hit the ball that day, and made a catch, and he missed it. I know he can not get to every single game, but the fact he has been going off so much just kind of hit me I guess. Today D had 4H and than I had to go get my mom from work and bring her home, which meant a 45 min ride each way. Hubby went to scouts again, so by the time I got the boys home and settled, its 8 o'clock. Than he finally comes home.
Like he says, I wanted him to be involved with scouts again, but with his boys. Instead he went to the older boys. Okay, but he is on the committee, not a leader, I think he can miss some things if he sees me getting overwhelmed. I never tell him he can not do things.
Maybe I am just felling this way because D has had a couple off weeks. He has just been really hard to manage. He has been on the move more than usual, can not sit still, he has been saying all his rants more than usual. (ie: "I hate myself", "Just say you hate me", "I want to die!", "I am going to kill C".) And redirection is not working. I know some of it is a manipulation tactic, but it does not make it hurt any less. I was thinking that maybe his ADHD meds need to be adjusted. But I am not big on them in the first place and have been resisting the doc when he says he needs something else. Tomorrow we, hubby and I, are seeing a social worker to talk about D. I hope he at least has some ideas for me on how to manage/redirect him. I would like D to see him also, but I know it would be hell to try and get him there. We will see when the time comes. Its a slippery slope. Sometimes I think it is normal six year old behavior, and sometimes he escalates so much I am convinced it is his disorder. Than you think, could i have done something different, Am I the cause? I struggle with depression and anxiety, did I pass all that to him? With some manic tendencies thrown in. You doubt, you guess, you wonder and you beat yourself up over it. At least I do. I hate when I get so frustrated I yell at them. Or when I am having an off day and I get easily annoyed, I hate when it impacts how I relate to them. I guess all i can do is pray on it. You can not change anyone but yourself. And all in all, below all that junk, D is a kind boy who follows rules and loves animals. He has a good soul, I just have to nurture it. And he is so smart, just that gap from his mind to getting it on paper frustrates him.
Well, I feel a little better. Venting and all. I just wish hubby could be home more, take a little more on. But until than I will just try to take a breath, and remember tomorrow is another day! (corny, I know)