I wish I knew a long time ago a lot of things I know now! From child rearing things, work related things to all kinds of relationship things. Things dawn on me too late in life sometimes to make a difference. I lead with my heart, love hard, fall hard, and I tend to be very intense in my relationships. Which often time leads to bad feelings and hurt on both sides of a relationship. I like to give, and feel I need to give sometimes to keep a friend. But lately, through the help of Hubby and a new friend, I have found I can be myself, not be so intense and maybe people will like me for who I am. And if they don't, well maybe I don't need them. (But that's not to say it still will not hurt)
J, you came in to my life when I really needed you and your friendship means the world to me. I have been totally myself and honest with you and still you are here. I have told you things I have never told anyone besides hubby, and still you write. You get me! A couple of months ago I was able to finally talk with someone about a really hard part of my life when I needed it most, when I was having some bad thoughts, and you were there. Can't wait to see ya in person.
A, I never set out to be friends with her. Our path to friendship was, and is, strange to say the least. But I can not imagine being out here without her. When I backed off, we got closer and its funny to see where our friendship is 3 years later. (you will read more on her in later entries, and wonder how it all came to be)
I am saying all this because of a really odd email I got today from an old friend, my best friend for years. We were each other's maid of honor,we were there for the birth of each others kids, it was always her I ran to. Than the last 4 years, something happened. I would like to say we grew apart, but it wasn't that gradual. I think I disappointed her. I tried to confide in her about JM at the time it first started, and it never was the same. She recoiled instantly, and , well I tried. I still called, I emailed and she grew more distant. But I continued to try. We still got together a few times. than the calls grew father and father apart. Hubby thought it was because we had moved, bought our house 45 minuets outside the city, maybe it was too far for them. I think maybe it wasn't that real in the first place. And she could not handle the real world issues of my affair and how hubby and I chose to handle it. And when she found out I continued it, well, that drove the final nail in the coffin. But back to today, last week I emailed her an invitation to my annual 4th of July cookout/pool party and was cherry and said come on out, we miss you guys, we really want to keep this friendship. She basically emailed back today saying.. well there is no friendship there, we have grown too far apart. Maybe someday when we are old we will reconnect.(exact words, old and gray). I was hurt and a little taken aback. And I was starting to get the old felling back that maybe I am a horrible person. So I am trying to figure it all out, maybe we are just in separate places in life, maybe its her, maybe its me. But I dwell, so dwell I will, because as I type this the pictures on my wall with all of us together stare at me. And frankly it really tears a hole in my heart if I have to close that chapter of my life.
Ans another thought has come to me. This is the first time I have admitted in here that it was an affair. That I could be that kind of person, that I am that kind of person. That JM could still have that hold on me. And he was, is, my friend. And that friendship too can never be the same. You are right J, life sucks, and is unfair, and it hurts. It is only because of people like you I make it through. And hubby and his unconditional love. So if I am rambling, sorry. If any one knows what I mean, yeah! We never really evolve much from the playground if you think about it.