It has been a hard week, and hubby is on call, and once again it is almost 10PM and he is not home. He was home for 45minuets to eat and say goodnight to the kids and than back out the door. I try not to let him see it bother me, I know its not his fault. But I am lonely. And D has had a hard week, he has some anger management issues I swear. I tell him one simple thing or ask him to do something and he balls up his little fists and growls, and starts to yell and get belligerent. even one simple thing like lets go get ready for bed, has put him in fight mode this week. It is really tyring me. I have been trying to scale back my reactions and change how I approach things to him, and still it comes. I did notice it is worse when he is tired. But I think its his frustration, having no other way to come out. And hubby being late and gone compounds his frustration to a limit he can not take. Sometimes I do not know how much more I can take, sometimes I want to give up. But I can't and I won't! I just fear for the future. I have to help him. I wish I could remember the serenity prayer, I pray a lot when he gets me worked up. I back off and start saying the Our Father, it seems to help me calm myself, and he gets curious about what I am saying and comes over the hear my whispers.
You know sometimes I feel like I can not have any emotions with hubby. That if I am anything but happy he can not take it. Since I almost lost it in April with the whole M person thing, I have tried to scale back my overreactions and my emotions and step back a little. It helps, but some days I have panic attack after panic attack, or self pity sessions in my head. Really no one is as hard on me as I am on myself.
Back to the boys, I had to have the M person babysit today, my regular sitter canceled on me. And he really is great with the boys, and trustworthy with the kids. Our past relationship should have no bearing on that part of a four year friendship. I was worried that they would fight, but they were good for him.(maybe they only fight for me!)And I was fine when I picked them up, we had the easy conversation of old friends, with no improper undertones. I can do it, I do feel pain, but I can do it. Someday I will write on my feelings of all that, but the time has still not come. I love my hubby, it is just hard to put up with some things, just as I am hard to put up with too. Just as I love D on all the days he puts my emotions to the test and puts me to task. C is certainly easy to love, we are so similar in our personalities, and are so close. And that worries me to. I dread the day when it is no longer "cool" to run to your mom. when other things and people replace me. (lol) But that is growing up, and they would not be normal if that day never came. I burn every precious memory into my mind and savor the feelings. I do jump around a lot when I write sometimes, like in my journal I try to write as it comes in my mind and not censor myself. Well I am off to read, and of course ice cream!