WARNING: I am not sure who still reads my blog, but you may be mad when you read this. Not that anything is bad, but just to know what is in my head may bother some. I am not trying to justify anything, it is just how I feel tonight.
I am thinking about you tonight, actually a lot today. The fact that I almost lost it in April over my insecurities and misplaced guilt has not even stoped my train of thought. I have been trying to be good, not calling every day, not talking about you, not emailing all the time. But the more easy we get back into friendship, the more my thoughts wonder. The mistakes I made in the not so distant past might get made again. I do not know why I am drawn to you, what kind of inane hold you have over me. Back in the rational part of my head I know that it is a game to you, to see how far we were able to push the limit. And how far we possibly could still. In the past four years you have become some what of an addiction to me. To borrow a line, my own personal brand of heroin. To push the limit is a rush! But you are also my friend, and the families are interwoven and the damage would be unbearable. There are people I would choose over you, and you know that. All the times we have put it on the table and all the times we swore to walk away, you know that. But in my moments of weakness my arms still reach for you and my thoughts still go to you. Even though some people made it too easy for us, and enabled our little game along, it still hurts when the feelings are there. For me it was more than a simple act. In some possibly sick and wrong way I love you, maybe because we are from the same place. (That main south neighborhood of three deckers where we both spent too much time in our youth may have damaged our brains somehow! ) So I am trying to keep up my appearance and try to find the strength to do what is right. I can not blame it on anyone, we all knew what we were doing. I told you I am always here for you. Just like you have come to help me. Some days it is just easier than others to forget your embrace. Today i almost shed a tear for your kiss, I realized I am starting to forget how it felt. And in a moment of weakness I wanted you near me.I don't know... I like to say I could resist, but I don't know if I can. It always felt right in your arms.(I am going to hell I know)Yes, I am here for you. Even when you confuse me and hurt my feelings, I am here. For some fucked up reason I always come back.
Disclaimer: There you have it. Some of you may want to yell at me, but that is where my head is at in the moment. I have no defense.