Monday, August 24, 2009

What I am thinking.....

I am here, sitting at my computer, pondering where to start writing about all the things I want to write about. All the stuff I need to write about. So I guess I will break it down into sub sections and try to work it all in. Here it goes:

We are starting week two of D's Daytrana treatment. Is it a wonder patch. Cure all of all the wrongs? No. Is it a place to start? Defiantly. There are some days when I say wow, how did I do it before this. And there have been other days such as today when it seems to make no difference at all. But I can see where the real 6 year old behavior comes in. Normal day to day sibling fighting and tangles. As opposed to the way out there off the wall ramblings. It has helped me see where I need to work on my response and actions. God knows I am not perfect! Far from it. But I love D and the look on his face when he accomplices the little things . When he spells a word or steps back and thinks things through. That makes all the small things, all the stress, drift away.

My walking, I am still doing it. At least twice a week, often times more. I am up to three miles. And I have noticed I feel better when I walk, not just physically, but emotionally also. This morning I was down. Just feeling sad and tired and not wanting to deal. Spending a couple of hours with my mom in the afternoon just added to that. I had not felt so sad and, kind of paranoid, in a while. So when hubby got home from work I went for a walk. Just me, my i-pod, and speed walking! Just thinking things through and focusing on my breathing and my music, and just taking in the warm air and the smells, it just brings me back to center. When I got home I felt so much better. Happy. I just think on what pops in my mind and work things out, maybe its the quiet time.I don't know, it just helps. And the weight loss is nice too!

Friday we spent the evening with old friends in Worcester. I was happy and relaxed and things went well. Our kids all played, they have two boys also, and we talked. It was good to get past the crap, and get back to where we were. There is nothing like spending time with friends you have known for years, who you have history with and can relate and talk about old times, and today and tomorrow. I am so glad, I just want to bring us all back together and be like we were. I mean we can never be 20 and have no responsibilities again. But back to the close friendship. I hope they know how much they do mean to me.

Mom, well that's a lost cause better saved for another day. Really, she boggles my mind. I wish I knew in my youth the things I know now. I mean we all do, but I just would have been happier if I realized years ago that she had issues and that not everything she said was the gospel. I have to believe my kids, and not try to put my past insecurities on them. She really messed with my youth and now I know. I know that might not make sense, but it does to me. I am glad I have hubby. I see in him that un-conditional love does exist! I do not deserve him, but I have him, and will hold on to him forever.

Part of my, well, bad mood today is due to cub scouts and my stupid volunteering to be Cub Master. I feel like I am all alone in this and the people who said they will help me are balling. The planning and background work I am all right with. Its the talking in front of everybody and having to deal with the parents that I am freaking out about. I do not like confrontation and being center stage. So, why the hell did I do this to myself. Now its just one more place to feel like I have to make everybody happy. Because you know, that's me, the peace maker. (sigh)

Well there you go. I guess I am done.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there scouts will get better - maybe people just aren't into the swing of things yet. School will start up soon and fall will set it, and eveyone will have a new routine and you'll be able to ask for help and get it.

    Mom's are nuts. Even the normal ones have issues. You have the right attitude now, accept her as is, and know that her words and actions are not gosple. Move on and pull the joy out where you can.

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