"I wasn't suicidal. Even in the beginning, when death unquestionably would have been a relief, I didn't consider it."
Bella~ New Moon
I think of that quote often, even though back in April when a lot of my "errors" came to life,when I had to confess my sins, I did think of sitting on the train tracks. (Before I really though it through and saw how I, we, could work through things and be happy again) No, death would never be the answer. Because like the fictional Bella, I have a lot of people that depend on me, and that I love. The struggles that I face are little, compared to the plight of others in this world. I have my family, my home and my health. (Even when people tell me they don't know how I do it with D, I think do what, I just do what needs to be done. ) And I have my job. Wait a minuet, that's right, no more job! Really, I knew it was coming. The writing was on the wall a year ago. But I feel like I was treated a little unfair. I can see it from both sides. How if I can not work until 6:30 there is no need for me. But, I also offered to be more flexible, to work with them. If I was not told a year ago I should collect, by the head of HR, than this would not seem so suspicious to me. A decade of service, gone in a flash. But, uncharacteristically, I am not freaking out. I am hoping that as one door closes another door opens, and really, there is nothing I can do about it. "It is what it is." And I have seen this week how much people care about me, how worried they are about me. (Some more worried than myself!) I never really think of myself as that likable, but I try. From responses on Facebook to calls, people keep checking up on me. And I have filled out three job applications to date, and sent out one resume. And I just found out it was all going down this week, Tuesday to be exact. So I guess I will go on. I will put it in God's hand. Hubby feels he is not a punishing God, I had briefly wondered out loud if I was being punished for my past mistakes. And he's right, I like to think God is greater than that. I had wanted a change, no time like the present I guess. I am kind of excited about focusing on the kids this winter and being there one hundred percent for them. Really, I have a lot to keep me busy.