I climbed both metaphorically and literally this past week. Last weekend we went to the Centennial Scout show at the DCU center. ( I might add they had it billed as the "First"Centennial Scout show, like we will be around for the "second" centennial!) It was a good show, we were there for quiet a while. They had a lot of exhibits and hands on stuff and a lot of units with people we know had some good booths. And...Central Rock Gym had their climbing wall there. Well, hubby and D have gone there and climbed and I missed it. And, frankly, I have always been afraid of anything that had to do with being the slight bit adventurous. But, something came over me and I said I'm climbing it! And I did, almost to the top! And I felt so proud of myself and just like full of energy! I want to do it again. I want to go to Central Rock and climb all the walls. This one was 25 feet, I wonder if I could climb bigger ones? Hubby was impressed also. but after I said it 5 times he reminded me my 5 year old niece has climbed the 30 foot wall at Central Rock. Bummer!!!! But hey, I overcame a fear here!
Metaphorically, I guess I am climbing past the realization that I am so tired because I am depressed. I think that it is also the reason for my stomach upset as of late. I can function and love being with the boys, but I think it is because I am already on a antidepressant for my anxiety disorder. (Thank goodness)What do I have to be depressed about? Let's make a short list:
Lost my job after 13 years
Got scwed out of unemployment
Can not find a new job
Do not get any calls from all the applications I put out
Behind on bills, mainly mortgage
I hate hubby talking to TT
Hubby saying he has not talked to TT when he has
Hubby always working late
Hubby saying stupid things that hurt me even when he says I take them the wrong way
The last two, working late is good and okay especially when I am not working. Do not get me wrong there. But the off hand comment that he likes to get called out and work late because he can not take being home with the boys made me bristle. He said he just means that he does not have as much patience with them as I do and he needs a break. Well so do I. And than saying he and TT are in the same boat because they are the only ones working in their households. Wait, what? No way they are in the same boat!!!He said he did not mean it the way I took it. That it is no fault of mine that I lost my job and can't find another one. But if you know the whole back story of why TT started talking to him and her dead beat, unemployed, asshole husband. Who supposedly scares her into locking her bedroom door, you do not say you are in the same boat! Granted I believe he did not mean it that way, but I can imagine him on the phone saying "yeah I know what you mean, I am the only one working too" La de DA!
He says believe him, nothing is going on. I do to a point. But he has lied to me and said he has not talked to her when he has. And I am not checking his phone anymore, but, I can tell. He says they talk about kids and Me. Me. He says how much he loves me and wants me to find a job. Me. I wish I could hear these conversations. I believe nothing is going on, but something just is nagging at me and I don;t trust her. I know women's minds. If it was anyone else we knew and had been Friends with for a while it would make more sense to me. Oh well...I said I was not going to write on this anymore! Crap..I broke that promise! I know everyone is sick of hearing this. I am really going to try and forget it this time. Scout's honor!!! I will stop the poor me shit, I think I have it out of my system. I have to remind myself there are so much worse things going on in this world than my stupid insignificant problems! I need to pry for the people in Haiti who have less than me, and to remember to be strong for my boys and get myself out of this funk!!! So there!!