Sunday, April 18, 2010

And here we go again

How is it we can be totally pissed off one minuet and than the next be happy? How can the one we love totally make us want to ring their neck? And how can we continue to love after bitter disappointment? All these questions, and more, will most likely not be answered satisfactorily for us on this earth. And maybe that is a good thing. Maybe I do not want to know how T can continue to love me, or I continue to love him, after the wrongs on both sides. Maybe that my friends is the mystery of true love. For love him I do! And I will continue to try and get back every ounce of the passion that was once there. I recently told my BF S that we (T and I) are at a place in our marriage where we are more like friends working together than lovers. And its true, we don't "sleep together", (no time for that!), we are so busy we are like ships passing in the night, and the stress of D takes T away a lot of times.(I cope better) But, I love him! Comfortable, safe and boring love. And I can not help but wonder if that's the way it all goes, in the long run. Maybe that's why you have to be friends AND lovers. My friend Cory was telling me last week about having his ex fit his tux for his weeding next month, because she is a seamstress. And he was saying it was so odd. Here was this woman he had had a child with and he could not find one thing to say to her. They seemed to have nothing in common and there was an "elephant" in the room, so to speak. That there never was a friendship there. And he said to me "maybe that's why god wants us to be with one person for ever, to spare that awkward time." And I have pondered that, life is not always flowers and romance. Sometimes love takes a backseat in life. As sad as it seems, and I have cried about it, that's just where you end up. But, you still love that person.

Last weekend T went camping with his Scout troop. He came home Sunday morning so hung over it was sick. And he could not remember anything from the night before. I was pissed on so many levels. The most important being, you DO NOT do that on a BSA function. The liability, the wrongness, the kids. Even if they were sleeping, they are not dumb. If any parent found out! I told him if he ever did that again, I would report them to council. (I am not a prude, I drink, but there is a time and place for everything)Plus, the second reason I was mad, TT! She was there, and I was told her and T were the last ones up. I got over it. But, really they have to watch themselves. You can not drink like that around kids. And, for real, I really do no think anything is happening between TT and my T. And if there is, or was, I doubt I will ever find out for sure. But, in my hearts of hearts, I feel there is nothing but flirting on both sides.

Since I started this post the other night I had break thru. We actually had "alone time" the other night, T and I. There was some love and "romance" the last couple of days I have felt better about us. It's not perfect but its' there. Work at it! And he actually took the day off to be with me tomorrow!

1 comment:

  1. B - this sounds awful. I am really glad T took the day off to spend with you, reconnecting is priceless. But seriously T is behaving funny. Drinking at a scouts event? Up last with a women he's been suspected of overly flirting with? Unplugging from family because it is hard? I hope you were able to focus on these issues with him, and if you haven't I sure hope that you are able to without arguing or fighting. Things sound really serious, your resolve and your faith in him is admirable. loving your husband is certainly a gift you can give him and he obviously needs it.

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