Monday, May 17, 2010

Thinking

So I am here, and I am thinking, and I have so much to write about I do not know where to start. Mismatch of info to follow:

Life is mellowing out. D is in for a eval referral with the docs at Children's Friend. It may take until the mid summer, but the ball is rolling. If they can shed some light on his meds, and find an exact diagnosis, we can follow a better treatment plan. His therapist thinks as I do that something else is going on and we need to pinpoint it so we can deal with the aggressive behavior in a more positive manner. I hate yelling..it wears me out. I can not emphasize enough how much I love him, but the frustration is unbearable at times. His behavior is more like a frustrated 4 year old than a 7 year old and his brilliant mind has questions that come so fast he can not keep up. Ohh my D!

C is great, he is playing ball, getting nothing lower than a B in school, and probably hates all the commotion in the house to the point of distraction. But he tends to be my shinning star, my Prof that I can parent correctly at least! He is a normal 9 year old. Although I can not believe he is going to be 10 in a few weeks. Ohhhh my C!

The hubby...oh the hubby. I had to get him a personal cell phone because he got spoken to again about personal text messages on his work cell. Whatever...just one more bill to worry about how to pay. Things seem better, a more even keel. He went to D's appointment on Thursday, he was home mostly all weekend and went to two of C's ball games. Finally got my breaks done and when I broke down last weekend about D on mother's day, he took me in his arms when I started to cry!!!!! A hug...ahhh. I needed a hug! He still makes sarcastic comments every time I turn around, and is testy with me alot, and raises his voice when I don't move fast enough for him, but I am thinking that is never going to change and it is things I am going to have to overlook. I think I know the TT truth deep down inside, and he is never going to admit it. So that too I will drop. But I notice things. Saturday we went out with P and M to JJ's to see "Dirty Deeds" (AC/DC cover band we like.) I was having fun, we were holding hands and laughing and talking and it was great to be out with P and M, it had been too long. Half way through the night I looked over by the bar and I saw TT. I told T I thought it was her, and he said maybe but "I am not going to look, I don't want to stare." Okay, reasonable, I was 100 percent sure it was her. Later I brought it up again after I saw her friend pointing at us and they looked quickly away. He said yeah its her. Me, playing devil's advocate, said go say hi. He was pissed and said no. I let it drop and her and her friend walked out before the show was done. P an M had no idea about this conversation, it was loud in the bar and I was not getting mad so there was no indication. I just thought the way she looked over twice and stared was weird. The next day he had me transfer all his number over to his new phone, I asked him about TT's and he really did not answer me. Her number and name had disappeared from his work phone. After that camping trip with the drunk outcome, I have not asked about her. But, in my heart, I know there was something going on and something ended badly. Maybe not badly, but something woke someone up. I have not heard either her or her husbands name since we were done with the dumpster, and I think she has a new cell number. A number keeps coming up on bills over and over I do not recognize.

I told you this was a mismatch of info: Hindsight is 20/20. The father I get from the M person and that situation, I see how much we messed up on both sides. How much it must have hurt him, and how much it hurt me that he egged it along and encouraged it. The M person showed up at my door last week unannounced, I did not let him in. We talked,(in the yard) he hugged me and I pushed him away! I don't expect to see him here like that again. I slammed the door on that chapter, the past is over. My point being, back three years ago, when he kissed me I should have hit him in the balls and ran like hell. When I told T he should have yelled, screamed, and beat the shit out of him. And the door would have been closed then. If he had been mad at me it would have made more sense. It hurts I realize now, that he did not love me enough to get mad, I pushed the envelope, and he let it fly, I never got the response I know now I needed, he never fought for me. If you have never had to get over something like this you might not know why I continue to write about it. Hindsight is 20/20, I gave it up. I know now I never needed it. Whatever did or did not happen with TT, maybe I do not need to know.

1 comment:

  1. You are really strong. And your honesty is really inspiring. I don't know if I could love that much after so much angst. There is something encouraging about your last paragraph, almost like the epilogue of a great novel.

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