So I realized that Todd is happier this past week. I also realized it is direct correlation to the fact that I have kept him and my mom apart, and that some of his pain from his knee/ribs is getting better. I like happy Todd! And I like all the conversations we are having lately and the family time. I do not like the increased complaints and sadness from my mom. I just can not seem to balance them in my life. If I make Todd happy she is pissed. If I have her here a lot and she is happy, Todd is pissed. I can't win. I feel like I am back to 10 year old me making excuses of why dad brought us home late. (I never got why I got punished for him getting us home late, I couldn't make a grown man do anything for god's sake!) So I loose out. Between that stress and the boys fighting, I am physically ill sometimes. Sick to my stomach unable to eat. And the headaches, do not get me started. I just want to be my authentic self. I want to be me. I want to care for my husband and kids and do my volunteer work and see mom when I want. (When I want certainly not being everyday!) I want to stop trying to make everyone happy and stop being the peacekeeper and just make myself happy for once. Maybe than the headaches would go away. Because you know, I am not the best at being the peacekeeper. And when mom gets snippy and guilt trippy with me (which is often) I tend to disturb the peace myself! I have a lot on my plate and she does not understand that. She was gone so much when I was a teen. Both physically and emotionally, and made some choices that were totally not in our best interest, and know she runs around saying she was always there. Now I know she did the best she could with what resources she had, but don't go and try and make yourself sound better now. (I can so relate to the character Grace and her relationship with her parents in Maggie Stiefvater's books Shiver and Linger. If you have read them you will know what I mean.) So here is where I stand on this, I am going to have to take the guilt trips because I can not be there all the time for my mom. I hate to say it, but she made her choices. She choose to be alone. I am not her only "friend", she puts up walls and than expects me to take them down. Make a call. Go out when people ask you to. Don't make your whole life depend on me. I could write volumes on this but I think I have it out of my system for the time being.
So I am going to try and do what's best for me and my family. I am not going to sacrifice my marriage any more to make her happy. Because if she makes me choose I am going to choose Todd.