Sunday, August 15, 2010

I lost it

Okay, I lost it last night. Before I get to that story I will update you on vacation.

Vacation was awesome! I miss J already but I am sure she is happy to have her house all back to herself and her family. She was the perfect host and an awesome tour guide. I don't remember the last time I stayed up late just playing games and talking. I loved it, each and every second of it! For not knowing each other, the kids got along great, but were probably sick of each other by the time we left. We saw all the sites we could in DC, and just hung out. The trip down and back was traffic filled, but okay. But back to every day life is not so great.

The night we got back Todd was acting weird. He has not said I love you to me back in a few months unless I press him to, but this was even more. He had not touched me the whole vacation. I asked him what was up and he said, I don't know how I am going to type this without breaking down again, he does not love me anymore. It's not there and he doesn't know if it ever was. (After 13 years you figure this out!) I asked him if it had to do with the M person, and he said no. That's why he let it happen. He said other stuff that made me physically ill and crushed my world. So much to the point that last night he found me in the bathroom sitting and sobbing in the dark, in the middle of broken glass, that he had to try and pry out of my fingers. I wish he had just left me there. I did not want to kill myself, just make the pain come out somehow! I want to sleep and never have to get out of bed. When I am sleeping I don't have to think about it. I love him more than life, my life! I can not go on without him. I have no idea what to do say, or how to act. I don't know what he has planned, and I don't want to think! I just want his love. I always knew I was unlovable, a screw up. I feel so alone and lost. So I went out and bought a living room set I could not afford and took a handful of Tylenol that only made me sicker and did not help me sleep. I don't know where I go from here. I am so lost, I suck. I just want his love. Or I don't want to exist.

1 comment:

  1. Whoa. I had NO idea. I am calling you tomorrow. If you don't want to talk that is fine. I'll still tell you that you are amazing, lovable, and deserving - even if it is on the answering machine. You are all those things and more.

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