Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Today I am pissed off!!
Today I have not cried, which is such an improvement. Yesterday I only teared up twice. But I have noticed that I have gone from the extreme emotional break down, to a bit of anger, frustration and worry. Coincidentally all the things that Todd says are reasons for why he feels he does not love me anymore. We sat up late last night talking. I found out he is sick on my anxiety, and worries, and that I get to emotional. I found out that he can not stand when I cry and get emotional over things, and he thinks I need help of the mental variety. He points out of how I acted when he told me. Well, what the hell was I supposed to do!! I felt like someone stabbed me through the heart. The one person you thought had your back all these years tells you he does not know if he ever loved you. What did he expect? So I asked what is going to happen down the road? A year from now, a month from now? He said we will have to see. We will work on it. He either has no idea or concrete thought, or he is hiding things from me. Does he think I am an idiot? But then, here is the kicker, he asked me for sex!!!! He says, "people who don't love each other have sex all the time, I still care for you and like you." Ass!!! Really!!! So I am trying, I will not go down without a fight. I talked to D's therapist and she is setting up an appointment for me with a family councilor. Todd is willing to go,a good first step. Let's see if any time is "convenient" for him. Right now he seems to want to go on as if nothing is wrong in public, and just keep living along, but with me knowing he does not love me. My other step is to kill off all contact with M and his family. I am wondering if I should explain myself to him and be a total bitch. I think I could take all this if that was Todd's reasoning, but it's not, so I am lost. But regardless, M is going to go down in the carnage! I have gone to confession and done my penance, I have prayed, I have devoted myself to this family and I am not going anywhere. I have nothing. A house not in my name at all, mortgage or deed, a van not in my name and registered to him, and no job. Now I have no love. And with his reasoning I would be unlovable to anyone, if emotions are bad. So today I am filled with anger and so very tired, which is probably a depression thing. But, I am keeping a happy face for my boys! I love my boys! Their father makes no sense, but I love them. And I love him. And I will keep telling him that, maybe in spite, until the last dog is hung! Really, I think he is sick of it. Sick of money problems, and sick of dealing with D. And not happy with things not turning out like he wants. Maybe frustrated is a better word, but maybe I am even wrong about that. I am lost, alone, and confused. I don't know what to say or do, or how to act. What is expected of me? And today I am pissed off!