Sunday, August 29, 2010

Waiting to wake up......

I am still waiting to wake up from this horrid dream, and the worse part is knowing you never will. You can try and fix it. Beg and plead and cry and scream. But in the end, you can't make someone love you. You can't change how they feel. Maybe over time you can get love back. But the scary part is it will never be the same. It could be better, but it could just never be. The hard part for me is seeing him go on day after day not effected. The attitude that nothing is different just is wearing me down. Cause it is! There is this black cloud hanging over my head and it is waiting to burst with uncertainty. I hate that. I need to fix things now and find a resolution. I can't just "wait and see". How do you plan a life that way? Every song on the radio makes me cry. Every future panning makes me want to puke, and every night I lie awake sleepless and feeling alone. Alone with someone next to me. I saw the therapist today. We both go and see her Thursday. That scares the hell out of me! I am so afraid to hear what he says. Or doesn't say. I can't take anymore. She told me I don't need to change. I am who I am. And I am not a bad person. I told her almost everything. Almost, I edited what Todd wanted me too. And she doesn't think I should blame myself. But I do. If I was only stronger, more self confidant, and not so needy, I would not be sitting here and typing this today. I am so afraid of what he will say and how he will react to what she says. I am the one who needs to fix this. I am so very tired of crying. I hurt so bad. I just want his love back that's all I want! But I just keep telling myself you can't make someone love you.

"I never had no one I could count on, been let down so many times. But you were right there to save me, when you walked into my life. It was a feeling I'd never known, for the first time, I wouldn't have to be alone. There will never be another who makes me feel the way you do."

Now I feel so alone and messed up so bad. For seventeen years I waited for the other shoe to drop. And it hit hard. All I can do is pray. I can't flip a switch, I love him.

That's how I feel, how I felt, for all these years. I thought he did to. Now there might not be anyone to stand by me..............

1 comment:

  1. Well, I just caught up on your blog. I cannot imagine how overwhelmed, numb, and hurt you are all at the same time. As dismal as all of this sounds there are some really strong statements that are so worth holding on to. Knowing where you stand and what you want is a great starting point. And T is being honest, he is willing to go, he does want to be married, and how you've felt for all these years isn't wrong, you are way more intense that your husband - that much we all know you know :D, he seems lost and confused, and guilty. None of us can speak for him or you for that matter, but if he justifies that he let things happen because he didn't have enough love - that sounds like guilt, and the only way he can admit he screwed up is to deny the ability to love enough. - yeah - so I'm not the therapist, go to her (or him) don't leave out parts when your alone (they won't mention anything you don't wan them too) give everyone the same playing field, and let it work. Always here for you and on your side.