Saturday, August 21, 2010

The Week I Hate

Wow...the worse week in my life is finally over! And I have had some bad ones. after about 3 or 4 days I snapped out of my funk and plugged the answering machine back in. I am still not taking calls from certain people though, but I have a number of job applications out and thought it best if I could be gotten hold of. Crying and thoughts of death were replaced by anger and extreme depression. Which now have turned to survival mode. I am grateful to three people in particular. S and J, you guys are the best!!! S talked me down off the ceiling and helped me think it through. And J, just the call saying I am awesome made my day! Right back at ya. And the other S, who gave me the titles of some great Cristian books to read, I wish we ran in the same circles too. You are an inspiration! I would have totally lost it (okay I might have anyway) if it were not for my BFF's S and J! Okay, enough sappy.

So the other night during another 1 AM talk I asked him what he wanted. Did he want me for a wife, does he want a divorce, does he care about me, like me, where the hell is his head. He wants to stay married, he likes me, but he still does not love me. So the question remains how does one go on? He seemed so indifferent to my tears and cries for help, but he wants me for his wife. He admits he has trouble with feeling and he is overwhelmed. He wants to work on our relationship and go see someone, and yes, he wants sex. But, he does not love me! He wants to go on like it's all okay. He does not get how he killed me with those words. I know I made my bed and I have to lie in it. I went to confession, did all Fr. Carey told me to. But he has stuff on his soul too. He does not see how he has hurt me the past three years. He was right there and let it happen, after I came to him for help. (That is his reasoning of how he does not love me) We have so much to work on. I still feel like nothing. I will hide it like he wants, to keep the kids from knowing. I will go on, and make him as happy as I can. But, he does not know if he can love me again. How do you learn to live like that? Is like enough? Emotions are bad, so I have to cry in private. I want to know if I am that bad. If I am infact that un lovable. How can I undo that mistake. But, according to him that's not all it is. How can I fix my confidence and worry? I am so confused! It's like living with a roommate, who wants sex. Oh...what a mess! I need to find a therapist he will go see.

I picked up this book, The Love Dare: Daily devotionals for couples, it is real good. I wonder if it will help since I am doing it alone. But it talks about love being a emotion you have to work on to keep. That it's not just a romantic feeling, you have to consciously try to love another imperfect person. That it's hard to sustain love. You have to work on it. I wish I was told that a long time ago. It really makes sense. So that is where I am now. I have to keep myself busy so I don't think all the time. I will write about the The Love Dare occasionally. I am interested to see what I will find out about myself. And praying is all I can do. I am glad I was starting to get back into church before all this came out. Well, off to bed. I love you Todd, I love you with all my heart.

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