Sunday, September 12, 2010

The glass is always half empty...it must have a leak!

So I told D this Am he was grounded and he could not play outside. Well, in a total migraine induced back track I let him go out with C. The truth is I need some quiet. I have not slept and the migraines I am being plagued with are kicking my butt. So I went back on the threat. Not the best tactic in parenting, but to save my sanity. Now I hear their constant fighting from a distance and it is a little easier to take. I have been waken every couple of hours the last few months by D pulling my hair or kicking me in my sleep. Last night I tried the couch, but could not get comfortable. Something has to give! I need sleep, or this pain will never have a chance of stopping. So I am going to make a bullet list of my complaints. Totally self pity, but the therapist said to write down my feelings. (like I don't already do that!)

The pain in my jaw and the migraines. I know they are stress, so what can I do.

C and D constant fighting.

I am not supposed to be negative. Since last Tuesday I have not said one negative thing about myself. I have ignored my unease and done what I have to do. I have said nothing negative to T either. I have not asked for validation or reassurance. ( not really a complaint, just stating fact)

My husband can be so damn selfish and self centered. Just once he could say thank you for all I do. Or say, do you need a break for 15 minuets? A hug, a reassurance, a touch of the hand. Is it so hard. But, I must not complain.

I wonder if it is my imagination that he is so snippy and sarcastic. I ask " Hey, what's that?" and get a "what's it to you" type response.

I hate the line he gave the therapist. "She is a good person. I like her as a person, she is a great mother, cub leader blah, blah." "I don't hate her." Well... I have enough friends, I need a husband and a lover. (And a BEST friend! It should be him.)

I hate the fact he goes on like nothing is wrong. I know we have to for the kids, but he expects everything to be the same. All he gets, all he needs, and I feel like maybe it has been going on longer than he says, and I feel used. (And I feel wrong for saying that. I don't know how to feel!)

Some days I feel like it's not to bad and I could go on living like this. He is not mean or abusive, just oblivious and self centered. I could do it. But other times I feel like I can't go on without knowing it's worth something in the end. Without love. What is going to stop him from one day finding someone he does "love"! Does he know what love is?

So there it is. I promise dear reader that I will stop dwelling on this and go on to day to day stuff. Updates on D (he has two appointments this week) and all the crazy kid stuff. Now that the kids are back in school maybe I can start writing again. Work on my fiction.

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