Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Life goes on

So D is on his new meds. In fact Dr.Mirsky upped the Zoloft last week and increased his Daytrana also. The reason being the Zoloft was a very low dose and we had seen no discernible effects and the dose of Daytrana he was on for the last year and a half needed to be checked. I have noticed his attitude toward school has improved this week. He said this AM to daddy that he likes school, but sometimes he wants to do the math on his own! I think a little more time and we may see something. We see Dr. Mirsky again in three weeks. Still seeing Nicole every other week. My problem is with C trying to get D going, egging him on so to speak. And it works. C is learning how to press his buttons and trying to get him back for the last two years of strife. He also tries to be the mother hen, which D totally resents. He has one mother, that is enough! So I try to stop C in his tracks. But my mother, god bless her, says D deserves it and congratulates C. Yeah, she has her favorites, and it has got to stop. Hubby and her continue to be at each other's bad sides. Which does no good for the work I am trying to accomplish.

Cub scout open house went well. I have six new boys. Still no leaders so I will be leading two dens and the pack. I should be going crazy by January! I taught my first CCD class last Sunday and it went well. Of the eight boys and one girl I have, four showed up. I did better than I thought, good thing I prepared. Hopefully when more kids come I can still keep the peace. I have to learn to talk like a teacher I think, maybe use some cub scout skills! I took the postal exam. I got a 73, which is passing but probably not competitive. I feel I could have done better, the last section kind of messed me up. I should have studied more. I will continue the job hunt. I am also fighting with unemployment, no check this week. I have an extension, but it is pending review to make sure I reported all my work. When I work per-diam it complicates it I swear. I thought working would make it look good. But it is a double edge sword. During all this I did not ask hubby for reassurance once! I did not ask him how I did, how I look, or how I sounded. I never discussed my fears, and I was a little uneasy going into the exam and the first CCD class. I gave myself pep talks and tried to ignore the heart palpitations. But, it would have been nice to just say to someone, wow that was hard. How do you think it went? I mean, that seems like normal discussion in a relationship! To get ideas and support each other. But I am keeping my mouth shut. I cook, clean, cart the kids around, volunteer, look for a job and keep my mouth shut. I take cues in conversation from him and talk about what he wants. So he is happy. He came home from camping this weekend and told me about everything and talked about the depot fire and his troop. Never once did he ask me how my weekend was or what we did. Never asked how CCD went. I didn't call him on it either. It would have just aggravated him. I get jealous when I see my facebook fiends say things to their spouses, thanking them for being there, or cleaning the house or all they do. Men and women alike! I get jealous when I see how P and M always take pics holding each other and looking happy with the girls. I feel so alone. I mean it is not bad here, we work together. But I don't know what I am. Friend I guess. I want to know how long this is going to go on. To live with the knowledge in the back of your head he is here because he can't afford to leave and for the kids. Which is admirable, but I feel alone. (Oh no, pity party again! Sorry!) I always tell the kids not to put themselves down, but I say to myself I can't believe how bad I messed up.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there! You are doing the right thing buy not looking for confirmation and validation at every turn. Although it is wonderful to hear it is such a BAD habit. The more you ask for it, the more you need it. It isn't just for T it is for you too. :D

    Now, we both know you're getting the raw end of this deal, cooking, cleaning, running the kids around and being Suzy Homemaker with no affection, no validation, no returned sincerity sucks. There isn't much you can do to sugar coat that one. Just know that you are doing everything possible to fix things and you are so worth it. So is your marriage. Hang in there.