Monday, September 6, 2010

Where we stand...

So here is the run down. The appointment with the councilor for T and I last Thursday got cancelled and we rescheduled for this Thursday. She called today and changed it to tomorrow.

He is acting the same as always. I was a little snippy this weekend. Okay, maybe a lot. I was letting little things get to me and I probably should let some things go. It was a crazy weekend with him and D at the fair all weekend anyway and I was feeling a little left out truth be told.

I made a birthday dinner for him yesterday and had the family out. It was good to visit with everybody. I love my nieces and they were so cute. We are short of money so I was unable to get him a gift and I felt bad about that. Than I was like why should I, I should be mad at him. But I just can not be mad. Snippy and depressed yes, but not mad. So I hope he enjoyed the dinner and the cake. It just feels like nothing is different except the fact I know he doesn't love me. He is not mean to me, and he is here, so either we can make it work, or, I am destined to live like this. Maybe there comes a time in marriage when it stops being about love. I can never stop loving him! But, I don't think I can say it anymore. Because it kills me to not hear it in return. Every time I need to find out about something or learn about something I read on it. I did it for breast feeding, allergies with C, NVLD and ADHD and now marriage. I have bought three books and "The Love Dare" was great, and the one I am reading now "The marriage turnaround" is really good. I am learning a lot about myself and unrealistic expectations. I wish T could read them, they just really make sense. And I picked up this movie "Fireproof". I made him watch it with me. It was good, a Cristian movie about a couple who uses the book "The Love Dare" to help put themselves back together. He really didn't say much about it, he liked it for the firefighting scenes, but it opened up another late night talk. And I think my friend J is right about what she said in her last comment. I just got to get over having this fixed over night...I have a feeling it is going to be a long journey. And a scary one! (watch the Fireproof trailer for scenes from the movie)

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