Friday, October 8, 2010
Time and Crisp Fall Leaves
I love this time of year. From the bite of cold in the air, to picking apples, to the sun reflecting off golden and red leaves in crisp colored woods. Fall is glorious! The best time to be outside and reflect on anything you need reflecting on. I have been dismayed that this week has been a torrent of rain! Not a perfect time to walk in crisp leaves and cool evenings. I wish I could live in an eternal fall. It's why I picked this time of year to get married. From now to the end of November is my most creative time, it seems to inspire my writing and my reflections. But now it seems bittersweet. When I walk I reflect on where I went wrong, and how to get it back. The gains are small, and accompanied by loss. The threat of foreclosure hangs over our heads like a noose. It seems like I am in a constant battle to hold everything together and close. T told me we will prevail. He said he thinks we are getting somewhere. Where that is remains to be seen. I can tell you that he seems to be trying. The sarcastic remarks are less and less, and he has been home. But, talking on the phone is still a killer to me. I hate hearing "have a good one" when I go to hang up. Like I was a client, or a guy at the bar. I am so conflicted with what I want to happen, and what should happen, and trying to figure out where his head is. I am afraid when the day comes, if it ever does, that he says I love you again, I will feel nothing. He says he has done nothing wrong, and that is true, in some ways. In other ways, well, standing back and letting it fall apart is doing nothing. I heard today that I got the job I really wanted at the post office in West Brookfield. Even though it is only Saturdays, I have my foot in there. It is also going to be a few weeks before everything is all set up. There are drug tests, and I have to get my government license and some other training details to work out. I was happy. I thought I would be jumping up and down, but I was so busy with the kids and their friends I was a little reserved. And I was hoping T would be thrilled and a little more happy himself, but he was pretty quiet about it also. I know he is happy I finally got a job, but he did say I would need something else during the week. It just seems like the drag of everyday life has sucked some of the happiness out of me, and the energy needed to be happy. I need those fall woods. I need a hike, a walk along a golden pond, or to sit next to a pile of leaves with a glass of cider. I need to fall in love with T again, to get back what we had. To find it somewhere out there, wherever it was lost. I need time for me, time for us. Time to just be.