Change. It can be as simple as a new job, a move, or a new school. Or it can be as complex as a change of heart, a change of personality or even a change of perception. There is a lot of issue with change in my house. The boys hate it! D certainly reacts negatively to change. And even C will get all out of whack from it. Since I lost the USPS job I have picked up another ob at Price chopper, a local supermarket. It is not too many hours, cashier in the mornings a few days a week. But at least it is a job. Money for groceries coming in. So the boys have to take the bus to school on the mornings I work, I have to be to work by 6. C has been up at 3 those days. 3 AM! To make sure I don't leave without saying goodbye. He hates the bus, and has it marked on his watch when I am done with work so he can stop worrying. I feel so bad. And D, actually he has not been so anal about it, but he has had a back slide in behavior issues. Still working on the AM routine and the changes in it. If you read this blog at all you know that the AM is his bad time anyway. But I need to work and they need to learn to adapt. So I see it as a positive. As soon as they get adjusted to the change it should be old hat for them. Before I know it things will be running smoothly, it always seems to happen that way,
The other change is the change in T and I, and our relationship. I might have written that on my BDay he all of a sudden said he loved me again. Well I told the therapist that and she was blown away by how fast he came around, when he himself had said to her it was not like a switch. SO she wants to see him again. He said absolutely not! He does not want to go, he thinks I don't need to go, and he thinks that we are fine now. He wants the past in the past, and wants to act like nothing happened. He said I have changed. Become not so needy, not so anxious and I have been more confident. Well.... I might have. But I feel like I am one hundred percent the same person I was when he said all those things. I mean I do have more confidence. The whole Boston episode showed me I can do things. And I call him less and I freak out less. But I also have a job to focus on now, more income coming in and alot of responsibility with the cub pack. Giving me a lot less time to "dwell" on things as opposed to the past. He said we are good, great even. But....even though I won't say it to him, I don't want to rock the boat.....I am pissed. Pissed he put me through that. Pissed of his sudden change of heart. And pissed because the reasons he gave me were, I think, not one hundred percent truthful. I think it had to do with the M person and TT. And I think it had to do with his guilt. But I don't say it, because I like that we are good, and getting along, and happy. And I want to be the bigger person. Because maybe he did work it out on his own. Maybe he did see his role. Maybe that's what changed him. But I also worry, silently, that he will change his mind again. That I will disappoint him, or not live up to his, or my expectations, and he can use the I don't love you card again. And I also don't want to be a door mat. I want to be strong and confidant and real. And if he does pull it again, I might use S's frying pan. But really right now I am happy. He has not been so sarcastic and rude, and he himself has shown some change in his reactions. But he is not the type to discus it with me until I feel I have the answers I need. So that is something I have to learn to get over.
So change can be destructive, it can be monumental, and it can be subtle and trans formative. It can sneak up on you in the night or it can blast in like the sunrise. You can change without even knowing it. I think God answers prayers through change.
"God knows our situations; he will not judge us as if we had no difficulties to overcome. What matters is the sincerity and perseverance of our will to overcome them." ~ C.S. Lewis