Thursday, January 27, 2011

Personal Post: Still Don't Know What Love Means

It has snowed every week the whole month of January. The snow is piled so high on my front walk you couldn't get down there even if you wanted to. Today I had to shovel my way out to the rabbit's hutch, and than shovel the hutch out to make sure she had clean bedding. She likes the cold, at least it doesn't seem to bother her much. Me, I used to get all worked up about snow and driving to work. But the last few years I have come to the realization that this is New England and it snows. Wow, what a surprise. (she says sarcastically!) But I have not seen this much snow in my recent memory. Maybe way back, but things like snow seem to be too much of a non issue to put energy into remembering. I have noticed it is intensely beautiful down behind my house, by the river and the train tracks. The snow makes everything look fresh and new, glisten and beautiful, fresh. I found myself just standing there staring at the tree line this morning when I went out to shovel. Poems bouncing around my brain. The only peace I had for the day.

Things seem hard this week. Money is tighter than ever, we fight over it constantly. And he never seems to tell me what he is really thinking. He could be totally off base from me and I never know it. I have been working, struggling, to work, to write, to find a way to make it all work. And he says out of the blue that he thinks we can't do it. That we will never be able to make enough money. I mean I have been struggling to keep this house and feel it falling from my hands everyday, every bill, digging the hole deeper. I thought he was right there fighting with me. But it seems he has other ideas. And like always, I am not privy to them. To loose this house would be the ultimate defeat. I feel like I am fighting this battle alone. From working on the relationship to worrying about money, because if I try to talk about my feelings is defeat. It's everything he has a problem with. He hates when I worry. And it has me thinking, if you have to change who you are for someone to love you, is it really love? I have met every condition, more than half way, and still I feel like he has not changed at all. Don't get me wrong, I like being more confidant, I like the fact I am chasing my dream. But he is still moody, sarcastic and overly, what should I call it, I can't explain it. I guess I just want to be acknowledged, hugged, pampered. I don't know. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations of love. Maybe I don't know what love is. Because sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter if I am here or not. I know I am his friend, I am fighting for his love. But I guess I don't know if I love him, or the idea of love. Or if I am afraid of defeat or being alone. And I am mad at myself for saying that!!! Maybe it's just the stress talking.

I am sick of struggling for everything. I just wish something would be easy for once. I wish someone would take care of me for once. (Yeah, boo hoo, I know. Get off the pity train!)

"Loves the only truth, That's why I run to you."

1 comment:

  1. Everything will be okay. Hope springs eternal.

    You are doing everything right. It is okay. He's rough around the edges - no surprise there. Maybe he is just having a moment of weakness too - sometimes those bills are a weight on him too. You know that - and you are right he should let you in, how are you suppose to know. And then you feel worse and think your are all alone. But you are not! This is just a blip on the radar. You will get through this and eventually money won't be so scary and then you can go back to focusing on the real issues. One thing at a time my friend. Call anytime - always here to listen.