So a few days ago I was up in the attic putting away Christmas decorations when I took out a box of books form high school. In there was journals I had kept going back to 1992. The one I pulled out was from my senior year to about the end of 1996 when I started to plan my wedding. Besides the poetry and short story pages, were pages of discontent and pain much like I had written here last year. About my struggles with hubby, than boyfriend, that I had forgotten about, and various rants about my mother. Yeah, things never change! Even back than she was negative and not very nice. I wrote that she told me I could not be a police officer (what I went to college for) because I was scared of my own shadow.
And that I could never be a legal secretary, or a writer for that matter because I couldn't spell. And she was constantly up in my head about my relationship. From what I wrote it seems like she wanted me to stay with her and single forever. The sad thing is she hasn't changed. At ALL! And it made me realize how much this positive change I am fighting for in my life means. How much I need it. If I had made the decision all that time ago to get out from under her shadow and stop believing her, how much happier could I have been all these years! We all love our parents. But the sad fact is if they are dealing with an issue like chronic depression, like her, they impact us negatively. The decision to change and be happy is a conscious one for me. And it will only positively effect the relationship I have with my husband and children. I have learned to be happy with whatever cards I am dealt, not roll over and blindly accept them, but work to change them if I have to. Just last week she was looking at me with a weird look and dripping with sarcasm as she talked about my writing with me. She told me I put too much of myself out there, and it's really foolish to work on it. She thinks it's a waste of time. My whole goal for this year is to work on my writing! So that hit me like a ton of bricks. Because it's all I ever wanted to do and she has always discouraged me from it. Well no more. I am me, it makes me happy, and my husband is behind me. (For what reasons I don't know.) Maybe some day I will rub the book in her face, maybe not. But I have to be true to myself and try. It's about me now, not her. And it's about time. And it just might strengthen my marriage to be of that frame of mind. It's sad to find that self confidence at 35 I guess. But better late than never. 2011 is the year of me!