Thursday, February 10, 2011

Decisions, Decisions

I have a lot of decisions to make. They are weighing heavy on my mind and are causing sleepless nights with lots of teeth grinding.(I assume it's teeth grinding because I wake up with a sore jaw and the same migraine I went to bed with!) The major one is the house. After months of nagging hubby to call his cousin, the dick ass "mortgage" guy, I took matters in to my own hands and made a decision. I am letting the house go. I am searching for an apartment and looking in to a short sale. Hubby is just relieved he dosen't have to make decisions and is sitting back. I am doing all the leg work and sobbing into my pillow at night about what I will do with my pets, and what I will tell my friends. (And how to break it to the boys, which will be certainly traumatic) But I can't do it any more. Struggle and beg. I am so far behind I will never catch up, even paying the regular monthly payments. And let's face it The house was an impulse purchase at best, and it is falling down around me. At the time we wanted a house and wanted one bad. And now after I was out of work for a year, I see the folly of our ways. Ten years was a good run. People will have their opinions and make them known, my ego will be hurt, and my emotions are all out of whack. I just want to keep my cat!

So many other decisions and major changes are on my horizon that I can't even begin to write about the more personal ones. I have taken once again to shutting myself out from the world. A bad habit I have when things are going south!

I just want people to know I am not a quitter. I did not buy a house I couldn't afford at the time. Being out of work for a year after loosing a good paying job, in a company I had worked at for over 13 years, put me in a precarious position. I have worked and tried, I have looked to all other options. I am tired of making it work. I am tired of being the only one here worrying about the bills. (Because when I vocalize things...well you know)

I am stressed. I am tired. I have an eight year old who has nightly anxiety attacks and manic mornings. I have a ten year old who is fed up with the eight year old. And a hubby who hides all emotion and never tells me where his mind is. You can see why I grind my teeth at night. If I could take care of one worry, reduce the big expense in my life, well it would help. I have found a few really nice apartments one town over. House will go for sale in April. All I can do.

Pain and loss, and adversary, at least makes for a good writer!


  1. Beck, as you know Jason and I made that same decision in April of 2010. You are anything but a quitter! You were there for me when i was going thru the same thing and I am here for you.. I know this doesnt mean much but "a house is a house, your "home" is the people around you!"

  2. Thanks Angela, I know. It's just hard to admit. But I have seen how many people are behind me :) Feels god!