Monday, May 23, 2011
I am not sick. But I am tired, the kind of tired you can't seem to shake.
After I brought the kids to school I put in a load of laundry and than crawled back in bed. After a hour or so of sleep I figured it would be a sin to waste the day, so I forced myself up. My whole body is sore, my knees especially. I am attributing it to the weather. All this rain is getting old. But just in case I started taking a multi vitamin and have been packing on the organic fruits and veggies, and the whole grains. Maybe going back to vegetarian centered diet will help.
But really, I am concerned I am depressed. I can try and push it down. But I have struggled with depression before and know the tell tale signs. The previous year had been a tough one. Filled with emotional and financial stress. Months of working on my marriage, helping the boys, and facing foreclosure. I really wouldn't be surprised. The fact I am stuck in this terrible job, doesn't help either.
I should be happy I have a job. A lot of people don't. I should be happy that I am living in this beautiful house now. Sitting in a office I always wanted, surrounded by my books and my writing. I should be thankful that we are not battered by tornadoes and floods, like other parts of the country. A little rain seems like nothing. Mentally I am, I am thankful, but my body is telling me otherwise.
To tell the truth the uncertainty of D and his diagnosis, and his continued behavior issues, continues to put a strain not only on my marriage, but on family life in general. There always is drama. Someone fighting, someone yelling. I am not looking for perfection, just a little peace. Than there is the finances, are we ever going to get back to where we were? And living with Kenny as our roommate is easier than I thought. But I know D gets on his nerves. And sometimes I just want my old house back. I fear that it won't always be so "hunky dory".
I guess I could be depressed. Laying it all on the table like that. If only the sun would come out, and I could take a walk on the rail trail, feel the rays of sun penetrate my skin and infuse my body with hope. Being outside always helps me. In fact I usually feel better after physical activity, not so tired. I live in a beautiful area, surrounded by trees and charm. Rolling fields with horses grazing. I feel cheated out of it's beauty by the continued rain.
Enough "belly aching". Enough felling bad for myself. Time to get myself out of my funk.