Monday, August 15, 2011

Focus on the Priorities

I am finding it so hard to read, write and blog, as well as keep up on all my favorite blogger buddies. I have been so wrapped up in the drama, or perceived drama, of life and my youngest son that I have lost the focus my writing needs. And my soul needs the writing. My very best friend in the whole world told me I need to prioritize and focus on the most important things. And she is so right. I have been focused on a lot of crap and people that bring me down. Positive thinking has always been hard for me, but last week when I went the path of one of the characters in my book, well, I decided I need to get myself out of this funk.

The number one priority is my son and getting him on the right path. Yes, it has been hell this summer. The med holidays, the move, the changes, have all brought negative feelings. I have also been trying to please someone who really can't be pleased. And if it comes down to it, well , I think I have him figured out and I am too passive aggressive to confront the issues. But one of these days I might snap, and it won't be pretty.

The second priority is my family as a whole. And I think I have that pretty much nailed down.

The third priority is going to have to be myself. I have to stop saying yes to things and stretching myself too thin. All in the name of getting people to like me. And really that comes down to my mother to, and she just is going to have to deal. I have to stop compromising myself. I have the need to be the "fixer". The one to try and placate. It's going to be hard to change that mindset, but I have to try. It's so hard, but I am killing myself trying to please everybody. And i can't even please myself. What would please me? Writing. Writing and writing until my novel was almost done. Writing on the beach at sunset in an old beat up notebook. Reading until my eyes closed while the sound of waves tickled outside my window. Ahhh,,,,,to dream. If only I could get away. Away from the mind games and expectations.

So there you have it. I have been depressed, I have been worry myself sick about D. I have been focused on pleasing someone who can not be pleased, and I have to shake myself from this gloom. The priority is happiness and family. The priority is making myself the priority. For if I am calm, the kids are calm. If I am focused, the kids are focused. A year ago today I was at my lowest point. I have been crawling back up for the better part of this year. The top is in sight, I just can't loose sight of the sun.

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