Tuesday, August 23, 2011

What a Difference a Year Makes

What a difference a year makes.(Get ready for another deeply personal, musing, blog post) Well, that's pretty self explanatory considering things can change in a heartbeat. But seriously, this time last year I was curled up in my bathroom wishing to die. My marriage was crumbling, my house was on the verge of foreclosure and I had yet to find a job after being out of work for a year. The year I have just been through was filled with huge changes, big upsets and lots of soul searching.

Things have not changed overnight. The house is gone. My son's diagnosis has been confirmed and we face a long road navigating the pitfalls of a child who lives with special needs.
But I do have a job, not the best job, but a job non the less. And I am renting a beautiful house. But settling into a new norm with my two "friends" downstairs.  As recent as a few weeks ago I posted about how depressed I was. But a "get off your pity horse" pep talk from my best friend snapped me out of it.  I guess I did find out this past year I am stronger than I knew.

The problems that tested my marriage, and almost ended it, are not gone. We have just learned to work with them. From finances, to stress, to unfaithfulness, to dealing with a special needs child, they are all still there. But we have come to terms with them. I am proud of the progress we have made. And happy that we can continue to find a way back to love. That itself has been a long, rocky road. But last week when my husband told me he would be lost without me, I knew we would be OK. Life is not black and white. It's how we navigate the gray areas that matters.

I have surprised myself with my resolve,determination and my stubbornness. I am glad I stuck it out. From the trek to Boston alone last November to train with the post office, to fighting for D, I have pushed past fears.  That's why my recent bout of fear and sadness has scared me so. I made a vow to be better than that. And I am sick of breaking vows.  But really, this last year I have grown, I have pushed ahead and I have surprised myself in both good and bad ways. I guess you can't ask for more than that in one year.

And really it's my writing that has helped me focus. Getting back to the world of words has helped me think things out better than any therapist could. We all know the truth inside us. It's coming to terms with that truth that is the hardest part. Making the changes. I chose to call today the year because it was this day last year my husband told me he didn't love me anymore. Deeply personal pain that forced a change in me. Sometimes change needs to hit you over the head. Sometimes it doesn't matter who is at fault.

But today I am here. I am whole. And I am pushing forward with life. My husband and I have found a new love. A different love. And we are still fighting together for it.  A year can make all the difference in the world.

1 comment:

  1. :) I sort of envy you. Your determination through the year is commendable and something to strive for.