Monday, February 6, 2012

Coming Through the Storm


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When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11

I don't think we ever really put away childish things. A lot of them we carry into adult hood. We carry our imperfections, grudges, and petty differences. The same ones we used to air out on the playground. We also carry our childish prejudices and our hidden desires. And, sometimes like children, we act on them with no regard to others. We are all guilty of that. Myself included.

 My boys are active in both 4H and Boy Scouts of America. I volunteer for both. I took over our Cub Scout pack a few years back and focused it on kids with special needs. We have a vast diversity and the boys are flourishing. This past fall I stepped down and turned the reigns over to someone else. I was feeling overwhelmed. I had a lot on my plate. One of which is my struggle with depression and D's struggle with his disability. But still being involved, I was doing a lesson tonight with the den on respect and differing values. And I was looking at these 5 boys. Two, my son included, with high functioning autism and Aspbergers, one with Down syndrome, and two great main stream boys, all playing and having fun together. And I felt successful. They really were respecting each other. In that room there were no differences. Just 5 great boys. 

And I just had to remind myself of that. Because of all the mistakes I have made in my life. My poor choices, I have lost a great friend. These mistakes have not even impacted her. They are mine, and have only impacted my marriage. You can not judge without knowing the whole story. And my childish expectations I have not put away, my childish search for love and acceptance, of not being happy with what I have, has caused her to change her opinion of me. But I am still the same. I only thought a friend could help me make sense of a crappy situation. I was wrong. 

We all have our struggles, we all bear our crosses. I can not make justifications for my choices. I know in my heart I am not a bad person.  I am guilty of childish disrespect.  Of poor choices. But we are all at times. I love my kids. I am making my way back. I am pushing back the veil of depression that has clouded the last few years of my life, trying to gain perspective, and putting away childish things. If she stuck around to see the soul searching, to see the results, she might be surprised. I am making a choice of positiveness. But not putting away all my childish things. I am keeping out the love, the wonder, and the searching. The desire to play and learn. I am going to make it through.

2 comments:

  1. Hang in there. You do way more good and make way more good choices than bad! And you have a great point - we all hold on to childish things, because we are not perfect. We will be someday - but not today.

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