Thursday, September 27, 2012

The other shoe doesn't have to drop.....

Wow! I am kinda amazed. The last post I had up, my review on The Angry Woman Suite, has got 108 views in the week and half it has been up. That is a record for me. I am in awe, and kinda want to gloat about it. It's the small things.

Day to day my world has been pretty mundane. Take the kids to school, write. Clean the house, write. Pick the kids up, write. Repeat. After the hustle and bustle of the summer show season for 4H and all the running around I kind of don't mind. (I have a TBR pile at least a foot high. Not counting the titles on my Kindle.) Than  I stop and think (wow, I have time to stop and think) about how crazy things have been the last two years and I have to admit, I am loving this down time. I love taking care of my family, in it's pure and simple form. Me and my boys against the world. It's a wonderful thing.

I can focus on all the things D needs me for. His increase in services has been a godsend. A little extra help, the great addition of his social skills group, and a awesome mentor and self advocate aide. All pieces of the puzzle that are falling into place. Even C had adjusted better than I ever could have thought to Junior High. He is loving it, the last month has actually been filled with positives for him. He loves being in a school where he is away from his brother. No, that's not being mean. Any kid with a sibling on the spectrum can tell you they need some place that is there's. And C had found acceptance in Jr High and I can't be more grateful.

 Dare I be happy? Dare I let my guard down? It seems if I stay on the hyper alert maybe things will keep going on the up swing. I'm afraid to relax. If your always prepared for the worse, the good will surprise you. Right?

It is kid of a sucky way to live. Waiting for the other shoe to drop again. Maybe that is part of my depression, always looking for that dark cloud. It's something I have been thinking about a lot, all the things I could change for the positive.

Hell in a short years time my book will be out. I want to enjoy this process and embrace the journey. I want to own it. To accept the fact that this could be a good thing. THE good thing. I want to allow myself to believe. And I can't. That don't count your chickens before they hatch logic is ingrained in me. And frankly I'm sick of it. I want to own the good times. I want to shout about them and dance around in them. I am sick and tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So yes I am proud of my book, my kids, my quiet days. I am happy with where I am right now. I don't want to apologize for the fact I am not working and chose to be home with my boys once again. To focus on my writing, I want to own all that has been good. That other shoe doesn't have to drop. It can be placed back in the closet. Damn the whole pair can be pushed to the dark corners. I think going barefoot is better anyway.

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