Monday, April 29, 2013
Being Introspective, Finding Your Center
Once a month I try to take a break from the book reviews and give you a little personal post. I try to avoid politics and all the stuff that might ruffle people's feathers, but Autism and my battles with life are fair game. This is one of those posts.
Yesterday I took a walk in the woods. There are some trails in a state forest by my house that I love. Meandering through woods and up hills, crisscrossed with bridges over small brooks, this place is special to me for a few reasons. It was one of those perfect days in late April where it was warm enough to be outside without a coat, but there were no bugs or oppressive heat to deal with. I needed it. My mind has been overrun with so many things. (And not just the multiple plot bunnies vying for attention and making it hard to edit, although those certainly don't help.) I needed to clear the negativity and maybe make some decisions I had been putting off.
But as I walked deeper into the trees and down the trail my mind was focused on how perfect it seemed in the woods. The fresh air. The smell of pine. The gifts all around us we don't take the time to see. Yes, the worries were in the back of my head, but I started thinking about the fact that this is where I felt closest to the goddess. To whatever creator there is. I didn't need a church or a consecrated space. It was a perfect sunny Sunday, and for a time I felt happy.
Happiness is sometimes elusive to me. Whether it's stress or my struggles with depression, those moments of bliss are few. Even when surrounded by loved ones. Why is that?
So here in this sunny spot, warm rays breaking through the trees, I felt at peace. And I was alone. Rare for a mom. The urge to meditate hit me and I started with some simple yoga, mountain pose to center myself followed by a round of sun salutations. Than the path still clear, I closed my eyes and just focused on the warm sun and my breath. Said a small prayer to the goddess and opened my eyes. To see a couple walking down the path toward me. And yes, their faces said what is this crazy chick doing.
And you know what, for once I didn't care. I stood up, smiled, and walked on. For that was one of the things I have been dwelling on. Thirty years of pleasing everyone else and trying to conform. When all I want to be is myself. I really don't want to be a people pleaser any more. I wasn't doing anything odd or wrong, practising my spirituality, centering myself. Pure in intention. Pushing myself farther down the path.
I left the woods a little lighter. I didn't have everything figured out. But my soul was a little happier. I guess we do know all the answers, it's allowing ourselves to acknowledge them. Make our hearts believe what our head knows is right. (If you are interested in "walking" things out, The perfect book for this is Getting Out Of Bed In The Morning, by Alice J Wisler. She combines walking meditations with psalms and scripture that are really non denominational, to help you get over loss. Whatever that loss might be, and figure those questions out for your heart. It really works well for someone like me who combines all kinds of spirituality practises.)
Where do you find your center? Journaling and walking are both good forms of centering yourself. Thanks for indulging me. Don't worry later this week I have a contest for you.....